Are You a Good Parent?

While I was writing my next blog, I had to put it on hold to talk about a TikTok I came across about a mother revealing she was regretful about becoming a mom. What came next should not be surprising. All of the “Great Mom’s” out there in the social media Universe that can do absolutely no wrong started to put this lady down calling her a “horrible” mother because of her thoughts. They even went as far to tell her she shouldn’t be expressing any of these things out loud to anyone especially on social media where her children could see it in the future. They told her she was a bad parent, a bad mother and asked why she even had children?

That got me thinking once we become parents are we not allowed to voice concerns or speak our mind anymore? Once we become parents can we no longer give or seek advice from our peers that are experiencing similar things with parenthood? What is the difference between a “Good Parent” or a “Bad One”?

I think we can all agree what the stereotypical bad parent is, but we are not talking about those types right now.

I’m talking about the bad parents that say the “wrong things” to their children. The ones that have absolutely no interest in going to their kid’s basketball games. What about the parents that outwardly tell people they can’t wait for their children to be eighteen so the parents can start living their lives again? Let’s talk about those parents.

Let’s face it, we all love our kids. At one point or another we have all thought about leaving them in the shopping cart at the store. If you haven’t, you’re not parenting right. I’m sorry to tell you. The reason I say your not parenting right is probably because you’re:

A) Not listening to your children.

B) Not allowing yourself to be present in the moment.

C) Kidding yourself

D) Have a child that hasn’t started talking. (It will happen, just wait.)

Now I have twins. I have been so annoyed I have said things I wished I didn’t say to them. I am a strong believer that you shouldn’t hit your kids (this I will explain in another blog). However, I have told my child (during a meltdown at three AM with no sleep and no issues besides the fact that my child didn’t feel like sleeping that night and thought it was ok to keep the other twin up) that I was going to spank my kid. Did I hit my kid? No. Did I tell my kid I was going to? Yes. Am I a Bad Parent? Depends on who you ask. Some parents or phycologists would say threatening your child is a scare tactic and those should not be used. I say those people have never been sleep deprived, tried all the parenting resources available at three am, have a nanny, and/ or don’t have kids.

Now was I wrong for what I did? Yes. Did I talk to my kid about it in the morning about why I said it? Yes. Did I apologize to my child? Absolutely not. Why? Because I’m the parent and children need to learn all people including parents have feelings and emotions  and that was a teachable moment for my child to learn if they push enough someone will eventually lose their marbles. With that said did I learn my lesson? Yes. I still think of that night as a parenting fail. However, I do not consider myself to be a bad parent because of it.

Now, going back, what makes a bad parent is actually leaving a child at the store. What makes a bad parent is not taking a minute to see what others around you are going through. Especially your kids. What makes a bad parent is when you don’t have the courage, strength and self-awareness to apologize or talk to your child when you say or do the wrong things.

We as parents need to remember that we will do things that are wrong. What makes the difference between the good and the bad parents are our ability to stop, breathe and think about how our actions have consequences and who those consequences will affect the most.

What about seeking advice from our peers? I have met parents that believe that it takes a village to raise kids. I’ve also met parents that think if you need that village, you shouldn’t have had children because you were ill prepared. Is one type of parenting style better than the other?

NO! The parents that can raise children alone I applaud you. However, for most of us it does take a village to raise our children. As a person and especially as a parent it’s hard to ask for help but I have learned the parenting community is one of the most understanding communities to be apart of. We’ve all been there and are willing to help. So, if you ever need a village, please realize you have one.

I prefer the it takes a village approach to raising children for the following reasons:

A)      I would rather a mom at school drop off tell my kid something and correct the behaver right there in the moment when my child is doing something wrong, then to wait for me and tell me about it.

B)       I would rather have a friend feed my kid when they are hungry than to make my child starve and wait for me to get back from what I was doing and tell me about it.

C)      I would rather a fellow parent see something and say something right there and then to protect my child rather than wait for something to happen and say later that they “should have done something different.”

Now going back to the mom that said she realized she didn’t want children Let’s be clear she is not a bad mother. She was being honest with herself and her community. She never once said she didn’t love, respect, or would not do everything she could for her children. She knows that once that day comes when her children are of age to move out, she wants to live her life. Maybe she is doing it right? Did those mom’s that were taking the time away from raising their own children, to judge her ever stop to think she could be raising some amazing, independent, financially savvy, confident children and ask for advice? No, they didn’t. They judged. While that mom is living her best life not having a worry beyond the typical if her children are safe when they turn eighteen and move out of the house. The rest of “Great Mom’s” will potentially be attending interviews with their children.

Becoming parents may not have been a part of the plan for all however it doesn’t mean the love for a child is not there. There is no right or wrong way of raising children. There is no good or bad parenting. We are all just parenting. So, no need to judge others and their styles. Always feel comfortable asking for advice from others. Never be afraid to ask for help. Continue to grow and be your amazing self and keep inspiring your child.